In this workshop we look at sentences and editing.
How can we make our sentences as clear and concise as possible and at the same time communicate essential information and engage the interest of our readers?
We look at some unclear sentences and discuss how they can be made more reader-friendly.
Five Tips for Better Sentences
Tip 1: Give your Reader some Signs
Use signpost words to direct your reader. Words and phrases like 'and', 'also', 'but', 'whereas', 'in contrast to' do a lot of important work in writing. They instruct the reader how to read the sentence.
Tip 2: Combine Long and Short Sentences
A short sentence at the start or end of a paragraph can work wonders. But lots of short sentences in a single paragraph can be unreadable. The solution: combine short/long/short sentences. Variation is the key, and ensuring that the opening sentence of a new paragraph is accessible (a good place for a short, crisp one!).
See here for more on tips 1 and 2.
Tip 3: Make Sure Subject and Verb are Clear
Clarify the subject (the person or thing doing the action) and the main verb or verbs (the main action(s)). Together this will be the basis of the main clause of the sentence. Clarify this before adding sub-clauses.
Tip 4: Chunk Down Long Sentences
Watch out for overloaded sentences! If a sentence gets too long (watch out for an excess of linking words like 'and' and 'but') - try breaking it down into two sentences.
See here for more on tips 3 and 4.
Tip 5: Avoid Run-on Sentences
Remember that linking words and phrases like 'However,' 'For example' and 'In addition,' are often used to begin sentences and should not 'run on' from the previous sentence with a comma. See here for more on this tip.
Editing
When we edit, we have an opportunity to put ourselves in the position of a reader. We can step back from our words and ask: do they really communicate in the most effective way?
In editing, we might:
*cut out unnecessary words and phrases
*sharpen sentences so that the the main subject/verb are clear first time
*reduce long or clumsy sentences by breaking them up
*use some short sentences, especially at the end of paragraphs
*make sure the 'signposts' that link sentences together are clear
*reorganise our text by changing the order of information
Here are some tips on what to look for when editing:
* Remove the impersonal 'it' at the start of a sentence if you know the subject of the sentence.
For example, phrases like 'It may be recalled...' or 'It will be noted...' can usually be deleted.
For more on this see here.
* Cut out unnecessary words and phrases.
Always ask yourself: what is the main clause of the sentence and is the subject (s) and main verb or verbs (v) clear?
So this long sentence:
The government of x has reached the conclusion that it should make an approach to the International Bank with a view to the possible granting of a loan.
Could be cut down to:
The government of x has concluded that it should ask the International Bank for a loan.
This is better because now the relationship between S ('the government of x') and the two verbs ('has concluded' and 'it should ask') is clearer. Also, the number of words used to express the same meaning has gone from 28 to 16. The reader says 'thanks'!
Also, watch out for 'doubles' and 'triples'. These are two- or three-word combinations which could easily be replaced by one word.
For example:
She managed, coordinated and oversaw the project.
Could more effectively be:
She managed the project.
* Avoid using slashes and brackets to give more information, especially in the opening paragraphs of a text.
Often these added bits of information can be deleted or mentioned later.
Take this example from the first paragraph of a report on training people to carry out censuses:
Census training workshops/seminars were organised to support and assist the handover to a new administration (which had almost no previous experience in this area).
In this sentence the slash and the brackets are distracting. They do not help to make the meaning clear. Instead of the slash it would be good enough to say 'workshops', or even just 'census training':
Census training was organised.....
Similarly, the brackets do not help. Is the information there necessary? If there is a new administration, can they have 'previous experience'? And is not all experience 'previous'?
Deleting this would give us a clearer sentence:
Census training was organised to support and assist the handover to a new administration.
Better. But still there is a problem. Do we need both 'support' and 'assist'? Do these verbs not do the same job? Choose one, and the sentence can be further simplified:
Census training was organised to support the handover to a new administration.
* When giving examples, use one signpost to direct the reader.
In this sentence there are too many signposts:
The workshops included a number of basic areas such as, inter alia, security in the field, close protection techniques, and evacuation drill etc.
Here four techniques are being used to give the reader examples: 'included', 'such as', 'inter alia' and 'etc'. Only one is needed:
The workshops included security in the field, close protection techniques, and evacuation drill.
'Included' and 'such as' are the best ways to give a list of examples. It is best to avoid 'etc'. 'Inter alia' tends to be used in more formal writing.
* Replace circumlocutions with one word.
Circumlocutions are phrases which could be replaced by a single word. Sometimes they are useful, especially in diplomatic writing; but in everyday correspondence they can usually be edited to make your writing more efficient.
Here are some common examples with their one-word alternatives:
with regard to = regarding, about
in view of the fact that = as, since, because
in connection with = about
with concern to = concerning
with a view to = to
*Make sentences parallel around 'and', 'but' and 'or'.
The 'signpost' words which give readers direction often tell us how a sentence should be structured. With linking words like 'and', 'but' and 'or' we need to make sure that the grammar either side of the linking word is parallel.
Take this example:
The team leader asked investigators to collect evidence and that they should prepare a report.
Here 'and' links together two events in a process. However, the grammar on either side of 'and' is out of balance. A little bit of editing can make it parallel:
The team leader asked investigators to collect evidence and prepare a report.
* Avoid the passive if the subject is known.
In large organisations writing can sometimes become too passive. Take this example, courtesy of the European Commission's 'Fight the Fog' Campaign:
New guidelines have been laid down by the President in the hope that the length of documents submitted by DGs will be restricted to 20 pages.
The verbs here (in italics) are in the passive even though in each case we know the subjects, the people doing the actions. The sentence is heavy because the subjects are not clear; but also because there are too many prepositions in the sentence (by + in + of + by + to).
Editing the sentence from passive to active makes the sentence clearer and lighter:
The President has laid down new guidelines in the hope that DGs will restrict the length of documents to 20 pages.
Now we know clearly who is doing what, and the sentence is not overloaded with prepositions.
Sometimes the passive is useful. It can be effective if the subject is not clear or if the writer does not wish to make the subject clear for diplomatic reasons.
* Wherever possible, use strong, dynamic verbs.
The quality of writing often depends on the quality of the verbs. Strong, dynamic verbs can make all the difference.
In this sentence the verbs are covered in fog:
It is now incumbent on the United Nations to focus its attention on tasks of the highest priority in order to achieve success within the parameters of its goal expectations.
This sentence is quite a mouthful. It's overloaded and difficult to follow. Why?
Firstly, there is an impersonal 'it' at the start. Who - or what - does 'it' refer to? This could be removed in favour of the known subject, the United Nations. Secondly, the first verbal unit of the sentence ('...is incumbent on') could be replaced by a single modal verb 'must'. This is more dynamic and has the same meaning. The next verbal unit, 'to focus its attention on', could be replaced by 'turn to'. Again, a more dynamic verb, and clearer.
With this kind of editing, putting the emphasis on the verbs and clearing out or reducing unnecessary phrases, we can get a much clearer and more effective sentence:
The United Nations must now turn to top-priority tasks in order to reach its goals.
Here the verbs - 'must now turn to' and 'reach' - give the sentence better direction and clarity.
Also, when editing look out for nominalisations. These are nouns that can often be replaced by verbs or participles (-ing). Here are some everyday examples:
by the introduction of - by introducing
for the allocation of - for allocating
submit an application for - apply for
carry out an evaluation of - evaluate
Nominalisations are sometimes useful, especially in academic writing. But in everyday writing they can simply overload sentences.
How can we make our sentences as clear and concise as possible and at the same time communicate essential information and engage the interest of our readers?
We look at some unclear sentences and discuss how they can be made more reader-friendly.
Five Tips for Better Sentences
Tip 1: Give your Reader some Signs
Use signpost words to direct your reader. Words and phrases like 'and', 'also', 'but', 'whereas', 'in contrast to' do a lot of important work in writing. They instruct the reader how to read the sentence.
Tip 2: Combine Long and Short Sentences
A short sentence at the start or end of a paragraph can work wonders. But lots of short sentences in a single paragraph can be unreadable. The solution: combine short/long/short sentences. Variation is the key, and ensuring that the opening sentence of a new paragraph is accessible (a good place for a short, crisp one!).
See here for more on tips 1 and 2.
Tip 3: Make Sure Subject and Verb are Clear
Clarify the subject (the person or thing doing the action) and the main verb or verbs (the main action(s)). Together this will be the basis of the main clause of the sentence. Clarify this before adding sub-clauses.
Tip 4: Chunk Down Long Sentences
Watch out for overloaded sentences! If a sentence gets too long (watch out for an excess of linking words like 'and' and 'but') - try breaking it down into two sentences.
See here for more on tips 3 and 4.
Tip 5: Avoid Run-on Sentences
Remember that linking words and phrases like 'However,' 'For example' and 'In addition,' are often used to begin sentences and should not 'run on' from the previous sentence with a comma. See here for more on this tip.
Editing
When we edit, we have an opportunity to put ourselves in the position of a reader. We can step back from our words and ask: do they really communicate in the most effective way?
In editing, we might:
*cut out unnecessary words and phrases
*sharpen sentences so that the the main subject/verb are clear first time
*reduce long or clumsy sentences by breaking them up
*use some short sentences, especially at the end of paragraphs
*make sure the 'signposts' that link sentences together are clear
*reorganise our text by changing the order of information
Here are some tips on what to look for when editing:
* Remove the impersonal 'it' at the start of a sentence if you know the subject of the sentence.For example, phrases like 'It may be recalled...' or 'It will be noted...' can usually be deleted.
For more on this see here.
* Cut out unnecessary words and phrases.Always ask yourself: what is the main clause of the sentence and is the subject (s) and main verb or verbs (v) clear?
So this long sentence:
The government of x has reached the conclusion that it should make an approach to the International Bank with a view to the possible granting of a loan.
Could be cut down to:
The government of x has concluded that it should ask the International Bank for a loan.
This is better because now the relationship between S ('the government of x') and the two verbs ('has concluded' and 'it should ask') is clearer. Also, the number of words used to express the same meaning has gone from 28 to 16. The reader says 'thanks'!
Also, watch out for 'doubles' and 'triples'. These are two- or three-word combinations which could easily be replaced by one word.
For example:
She managed, coordinated and oversaw the project.
Could more effectively be:
She managed the project.
* Avoid using slashes and brackets to give more information, especially in the opening paragraphs of a text.Often these added bits of information can be deleted or mentioned later.
Take this example from the first paragraph of a report on training people to carry out censuses:
Census training workshops/seminars were organised to support and assist the handover to a new administration (which had almost no previous experience in this area).
In this sentence the slash and the brackets are distracting. They do not help to make the meaning clear. Instead of the slash it would be good enough to say 'workshops', or even just 'census training':
Census training was organised.....
Similarly, the brackets do not help. Is the information there necessary? If there is a new administration, can they have 'previous experience'? And is not all experience 'previous'?
Deleting this would give us a clearer sentence:
Census training was organised to support and assist the handover to a new administration.
Better. But still there is a problem. Do we need both 'support' and 'assist'? Do these verbs not do the same job? Choose one, and the sentence can be further simplified:
Census training was organised to support the handover to a new administration.
* When giving examples, use one signpost to direct the reader.In this sentence there are too many signposts:
The workshops included a number of basic areas such as, inter alia, security in the field, close protection techniques, and evacuation drill etc.
Here four techniques are being used to give the reader examples: 'included', 'such as', 'inter alia' and 'etc'. Only one is needed:
The workshops included security in the field, close protection techniques, and evacuation drill.
'Included' and 'such as' are the best ways to give a list of examples. It is best to avoid 'etc'. 'Inter alia' tends to be used in more formal writing.
* Replace circumlocutions with one word.
Circumlocutions are phrases which could be replaced by a single word. Sometimes they are useful, especially in diplomatic writing; but in everyday correspondence they can usually be edited to make your writing more efficient.
Here are some common examples with their one-word alternatives:
with regard to = regarding, about
in view of the fact that = as, since, because
in connection with = about
with concern to = concerning
with a view to = to
*Make sentences parallel around 'and', 'but' and 'or'.
The 'signpost' words which give readers direction often tell us how a sentence should be structured. With linking words like 'and', 'but' and 'or' we need to make sure that the grammar either side of the linking word is parallel.
Take this example:
The team leader asked investigators to collect evidence and that they should prepare a report.
Here 'and' links together two events in a process. However, the grammar on either side of 'and' is out of balance. A little bit of editing can make it parallel:
The team leader asked investigators to collect evidence and prepare a report.
* Avoid the passive if the subject is known.
In large organisations writing can sometimes become too passive. Take this example, courtesy of the European Commission's 'Fight the Fog' Campaign:
New guidelines have been laid down by the President in the hope that the length of documents submitted by DGs will be restricted to 20 pages.
The verbs here (in italics) are in the passive even though in each case we know the subjects, the people doing the actions. The sentence is heavy because the subjects are not clear; but also because there are too many prepositions in the sentence (by + in + of + by + to).
Editing the sentence from passive to active makes the sentence clearer and lighter:
The President has laid down new guidelines in the hope that DGs will restrict the length of documents to 20 pages.
Now we know clearly who is doing what, and the sentence is not overloaded with prepositions.
Sometimes the passive is useful. It can be effective if the subject is not clear or if the writer does not wish to make the subject clear for diplomatic reasons.
* Wherever possible, use strong, dynamic verbs.
The quality of writing often depends on the quality of the verbs. Strong, dynamic verbs can make all the difference.
In this sentence the verbs are covered in fog:
It is now incumbent on the United Nations to focus its attention on tasks of the highest priority in order to achieve success within the parameters of its goal expectations.
This sentence is quite a mouthful. It's overloaded and difficult to follow. Why?
Firstly, there is an impersonal 'it' at the start. Who - or what - does 'it' refer to? This could be removed in favour of the known subject, the United Nations. Secondly, the first verbal unit of the sentence ('...is incumbent on') could be replaced by a single modal verb 'must'. This is more dynamic and has the same meaning. The next verbal unit, 'to focus its attention on', could be replaced by 'turn to'. Again, a more dynamic verb, and clearer.
With this kind of editing, putting the emphasis on the verbs and clearing out or reducing unnecessary phrases, we can get a much clearer and more effective sentence:
The United Nations must now turn to top-priority tasks in order to reach its goals.
Here the verbs - 'must now turn to' and 'reach' - give the sentence better direction and clarity.
Also, when editing look out for nominalisations. These are nouns that can often be replaced by verbs or participles (-ing). Here are some everyday examples:
by the introduction of - by introducing
for the allocation of - for allocating
submit an application for - apply for
carry out an evaluation of - evaluate
Nominalisations are sometimes useful, especially in academic writing. But in everyday writing they can simply overload sentences.
